10 Practical Ways To Reach Out and Love Someone Who Is Grieving
/Do you know someone who has lost a loved one, but feel at a loss how to practically reach out and love them well? Do you want to support them but feel like you might make their pain worse by saying or doing something that could be taken wrong? Jensi Shaw shares her personal journey of grieving and gives 10 practical and profound ways to reach out and love someone who is grieving.
How To Love Me When I am Grieving
By Jensi Shaw
The day my dad passed away, I received a package at my doorstep full of cards, chocolate, and snacks. It was from a few close friends that were part of a backpacking trip that took place before my freshman year of college commenced. We endured a nine-day backpacking trip with no deodorant (nor tents for that matter).
We drank bleached river water, hiked miles and miles each day, and became frequent meals for bloodthirsty mosquitoes. The group of us were strangers when this trip started, but it’s needless to say that an experience like this brought us so close. In light of my dad’s passing, several of these girls sent me a sweet care package. This simple act of love inspired me to write this post.
“What do I say to my hurting friend?” This is a topic that may seem strange in the midst of my own grieving, but it is something that has been on my heart to share. Galatians 6:2 tells us to “Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” But what does this mean? How can we bear the burden of another’s loss?
When my dad passed, I had many people gently reach out to me saying that they wanted to say something but didn't know what nor how. When people do this, it means so much to me because it shows that they love me enough to step into the uncomfortable place of not having the perfect words and not being able to relate, yet wanting me to know they are there.
To quote many dear friends, there are no words that can take away the pain and grief of our situation. And as unfortunate as it is, there are more wrong things to say than right. I have been in that position often myself––comforting a friend who has just gone through immense loss. I know the abyss of longing for the perfect words yet merely finding a few that seem inadequate.
Now that I have the opposite perspective, my prayer is that this article may give you some perspective and guidance. Keep in mind that, while it is in list format, this is not a “to-do” checklist (nor is the list exclusive), but more of a place to start. And of course, this list is based on my experience and perspective. No two people will process grief in the same way, which does make this difficult, yet beautiful.
Rather than viewing your role as a friendly back-patter, know that the way you navigate this awkward dance will be messy yet so rich. Use your own discretion and, if you are a follower of Christ, let the Spirit guide you.
10 Practical Ways to Reach Out and Love Someone Who is Grieving
Simply acknowledge that you don’t have the perfect words to say. We both know this is true, but it honors my grief to express that you aren’t trying to help me “get over it,” but rather simply extending love.
If you are texting, tell me not to respond (and don’t expect a reply). I breathe such a sigh of relief when I know that a friend is not expecting a response from me. Often I’m just too exhausted to think of what to say, but this doesn’t mean that I don’t feel immense love when you message me.
Send verses (use discretion with this one). Don’t slap Jeremiah 29:11 on my gushing wound. However, if the Lord puts a verse on your heart for me, by all means, send it! He has spoken to me countless times through verses sent by dear friends at just the right time, even if it seemed random to the sender. You don’t know... maybe I am feeling a spiritual attack when God puts 2 Timothy 4:18 on your heart (true story!).
Send songs. If you can’t put my situation out of your mind when you hear a song, tell me so. I can choose whether or not I will listen. I made a Spotify playlist where I only put songs that came from the hearts of my Christian brothers and sisters so that I have them all in one place. It is my favorite playlist.
Share memories of my loved one with me. Seriously. I know it seems risky to remind me of what I have no more, but I promise these stories are a gift. If my dad ever made an impact on you, please tell me. Nothing brings me more joy than to hear new stories about my dear father.
Ask me how you can best support me. I know this seems counter to #2, so please only do this if we are very close. It is exhausting to think of ways in which twenty almost-strangers can best support me. However, when one of my best friends recently did this, it opened the door for me to tell her honestly what I needed.
Be a buffer for me (again, this is a role for best friends only). Request to others that all Bible verses and songs be sent to you. Ensure that you will compile these songs into playlists and verses into notecards to encourage your grieving friend. This removes from me the pressure of sorting through things and remembering to thank people. Ask my permission before you do this.
Send a handwritten letter. I don’t think I have to explain how much I love this. Few things express love so simply yet profoundly as when you take the time to write a handwritten note to me. Remember the care package I mentioned?
Send a short message. While I love long and thoughtful texts, sometimes the short ones that let me know that you are praying for me are just what I need; messages that don’t elicit a response. Suggestions are messages like “I’m praying for you,” or even an emoji to remind me that I am in your thoughts and you are storming the heavens on my behalf.
Above all else, be gentle and patient. Some people who are grieving draw their friends inclose while others push people away.
Grief is unpredictable and vicious. It gives no warning and has no regard for one’s preferences, social life, or time. By understanding and giving me an overabundance of grace, you allow me the space I need to grieve while also being there when I need you. Perhaps the best thing to do in some situations is back away. Check in and ask if I want to talk, get together, have fun, but then back up and do not be offended if I cannot or want not. And again, it is worth repeating that mine is one perspective in a sea of grieving friends. Use discretion and ask the Spirit to give you wisdom. May the Lord bless you as you walk this road with me.
Sincerely, your grieving friend.
MEET THE AUTHOR: JENSI SHAW
Jensi Shaw is in her final year of college as a Communication student at The Ohio State University. While she has had a lifelong zeal for writing, Jensi also loves early morning lifting workouts, adventures with her family, books of all genres, and deep conversations with old and new friends. She is currently exploring her newest venture as a certified equine sports massage therapist and is passionately pursuing a career in the equine industry. Deeply inspired by the stories of others, Jensi loves to set the stage to impart what the Lord is illuminating to her by sharing her own experiences of life.
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